fanfiction_v4fandomcom-20200214-history
Les Poissons (Snagglepuss version)
Inside the dining room table, Rei was standing near the window, looking out into the distance. While Hermey was seated at the large table, beginning to clean his pipe, Rei was waiting patiently for Rei to arrive as he tried desperately to reason with the boy. "Oh, Rei, be reasonable," said Hermey, feeling clearly amused while waving his pipe in the air. "Nice young ladies just don't - swim around rescuing people in the middle of the ocean and then - flutter off into oblivion, like some -" Rei cut him off. "I'm tellin' you, Hermey, she was REAL!" he said, "I'm gonna find that girl. And I'm gonna marry her." He put his left hand over his chin, gazing out the glass windows. Suddenly, laughter was heard from behind him. He turned his head to see the lover with the waitress. "Come on, honey." said a voice, "Don't be shy." It was Rapunzel. She stood by the door frame, guiding the lover into the dining room. Out of the shadows came Kilala. Kilala was now wearing an off-the-shoulder pink-and-fuchsia gown with a hot pink brim on her neckline (similar to Ariel's dress), puffy shoulder sleeves with long diamond-shaped designs on both sides attached to the long sleeves, and peplum, a white underskirt, matching pantalettes, and pink pumps. This was a new look for Kilala, and she showed that she was being treated well by the servants. Rei's eyes widened as Hermey walked up behind the boy. "Oh, Rei, isn't she a vision?" asked Hermey. The grin he had was never slipping off his face. Rei's mouth hung open. But he closed his mouth and swallowed, feeling somewhat nervous. "You look - wonderful." Rei stammered. Kilala, unable to say, "Thank you," replied with a gentle blush, she shrugged her shoulders, appreciating the nice comment, a smile on her face as her turquoise eyes looked up from behind her blonde hair. Rei blushed a light pink as Hermey helped Rei into his chair, quite enthusiastic, but not before giving the young princess a light nudge. Rei pursed his lips, but grinned nonetheless. "Come come come, you must be famished. Let me help you my dear. There we go - ah - quite comfy?" He helped the princess into her seat. Rei tucked the chair under the table as the princess sat down. "Uh, it's...it's not often that we have such a lovely dinner guest, eh, Rei?" Kilala wasn't playing attention anymore. She was too intrigued by the glistening silver 'dinglehopper' resting on the table. With a wide smile, she picked up the shiny object and began brushing her hair with it. She looked up to face a confused Rei and a horrified Hermey. Kilala delicately placed the 'dinglehopper' back on the table and looked down in embarrassment. She bit her lip and looked up as she saw Hermey using a lighter to ignite the coppery thing that Kilala understood as a 'snarfblatt'. Hermey kindly smiled at her, and handed her his pipe. "Uh, do you like it?" he asked, "It is a rather fine..." Hermey stopped in mid-sentence when the princess blew into the pipe as if it was a trumpet, sending a cloud of smoke spurting out the top and straight into his face. Rei cracked up with laughter while Rapunzel gave a small giggle. "Oh, my!" she exclaimed. Rei cleared his throat, trying to regain composure. "Ahem. I'm sorry, Hermey." Rapunzel smiled, placing a hand on the boy's shoulder. "Why, Rei," she said. "That's the first time I've seen you smile in weeks." Kilala looked up from the table and smiled. "Oh, very amusing," said Hermey, as he used a handkerchief to wipe the last bit of smoke of his face and sniffed. "Rapunzel, my dear, what's for dinner?" "Oooh, you're gonna love it!" Rapunzel smiled. "Chef's been fixing his specialty, French-fried bird!" Secretary Bird poked his head out from behind a sugar bowl and gasped upon seeing the chef of a French kitchen. He was a slender pink mountain lion with a peach muzzle and ear innards, a black nose, a long tail, rounded ears, and whiskers, wearing a white shirt collar, two matching shirt cuffs, a black bow tie, a white chef's hat, and a matching apron. His name was Snagglepuss, the French chef of the kitchen. Snagglepuss rummaged through a cupboard. Singing in French to himself, he hummed to himself as he took a basket of trout and putting one on a counter. With his food ready, the mountain lion chef started singing. Snagglepuss: Les poissons Les poissons How I love '''les poissons' ''Love to chop And to serve little fish Grabbing the trout from the basket, Snagglepuss pulled out a cleaver and violently chopped off its head. This shocked Secretary Bird horribly. Horrified that this was happening, Secretary Bird hid his face. Snagglepuss: First I cut off their heads Then I pull out the bones Ah mais oui Ca c'est toujours delish Taking out another trout, Snagglepuss took the cleaver and violently chopped off its head then proceeded to skin it and gut it while Secretary Bird leaned against a wall and covered his mouth, feeling quite sick, feeling as if he may want to throw up. Snagglepuss: Les poissons Les poissons Hee hee hee Hah hah hah With the cleaver I hack them in two Taking out another trout, Snagglepuss again chopped its head and then chopped the rest of the body into tiny pieces. Secretary Bird tried getting away, but he found himself face to face with the trout's head. Snagglepuss: I pull out what's inside And I serve it up fried Cause I love little fishes'' Don't you? After cutting the trout's head off, Snagglepuss pulled out the insides of the trout and cooked it on a frying pan before serving it on a plate. Spotting a large lettuce leaf, Secretary Bird grabbed the leaf and used it to disguise himself as he slowly scuttled away from an unsuspecting chef, who is too absorbed into his little fish hacking mania but Snagglepuss took a mallet and began smashing a tuna flat. Snagglepuss: Here's something for tempting the palate Prepared in the classic technique First you pound the fish flat with a mallet When Snagglepuss pounded the tuna flat with the mallet, Secretary Bird flew off the counter along with other stuff on it. He hid again under the lettuce before hearing more gross stuff from Snagglepuss's preparations for the tuna. Snagglepuss: Then you slash through the skin Give the belly a slice Then you rub some salt in 'Cause that makes it taste nice When Snagglepuss was describing those horrid moves, Secretary Bird cringed even more. Just after Snagglepuss put the salt on he rather was holding the fish body close to his cheek, Secretary Bird worst fear was confirmed when the cook reached out and grabbed the lettuce leaf, leaving him exposed. The small bird kept perfectly still as the chef gasped, "Zut alors!" exclaimed Snagglepuss, "I have missed one!" He picked up the 'dead' bird and continued singing, Snagglepuss: ''Sacre bleu'' What is this? How on earth could I miss Such a sweet little succulent bird? ''Quel dommage'' What a loss Here we go In the sauce Now some flour I think just a spurt Snagglepuss tossed Secretary Bird into a bowl of sauce and threw a spot of flour in his face, making him cough and sneeze before pulling him out and stuffing some breadcrumbs in his beak. Snagglepuss: Now I stuff you with bread It don't hurt 'cause you're dead And you're certainly lucky you are Secretary Bird spat out the breadcrumbs and wheezed loudly. Snagglepuss didn't notice that the bird in his hand was still alive. Snagglepuss: 'Cause it's gonna be hot In my big silver pot Toodle loo ''Mon poisson'' ''Au revoir!''' Snagglepuss threw Secretary Bird across the room into a large pot of boiling water. Secretary Bird held on to the inside of the pot before a bubble popped, burning him out of the pot and onto the counter with a loud thud. Snagglepuss, hearing the 'thud', looked over to it being confused. He used a pitchfork-like utensil and stabs on either side of the bird, picking up Secretary Bird and carefully inspected it. "What is this?" he asked. Secretary Bird bit Snagglepuss's nose, making him scream in pain as he held his nose. Secretary Bird landed on the handle of a pan on the stove. Snagglepuss reached for the bird, but instead put his hand on the fiery hot stove. The chef screamed and blew on his hand as the pan fell onto his foot. Snagglepuss grabbed his foot and cried in pain, before sending Secretary Bird an angry glare, grabbing a bunch of knives and hurling them at the bird. Secretary Bird, who ducked each knife, dove under the counter, and while the chef was looking under the counter, Secretary Bird pushed the bowl of sauce off the counter. The bowl shattered on his head. Going more insane, Snagglepuss lifted his cleaver and brought it down. But all he managed to chop up was the counter. He saw Secretary Bird running rapidly for his life. Secretary Bird screamed as he tried getting out. The cleaver landed right in front of him, stopping him from running that way. He quickly made a mad dash underneath Snagglepuss and hid underneath a cabinet of glasses and pottery. Snagglepuss screamed, holding his mallet in his hand, Secretary Bird hid as the psychotic chef jumped and crashed into the shelves. Back in the dining room, everyone heard loud crashes coming from the kitchen. Rapunzel, who was pouring drinks for the prince, Hermey, and their young guest, looked in the direction of the kitchen at the sound of a large crash. "I think I'd better go see what Snagglepuss is up to." she said. Once she had excused herself, she hurriedly made her way to the palace kitchen. Back in the kitchen, the insane chef, ripped clothes and all, was tearing apart the cabinet, mindlessly throwing things out of the way trying to find Secretary Bird. "Come out, you little pipsqueak, AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!" he snarled. He continued to tear apart a cupboard. "Snagglepuss!" shouted Rapunzel. He shot up, banging his head on the shelf, causing several new pots and pans to fall or break on the floor, at the sound of Rapunzel's shrill voice. His apron was torn and stained, and his chef's hat and shirt cuffs were gone. "What are you doing?" Rapunzel demanded. Snagglepuss stammered about what he was doing earlier. "Well - I - I was just - er, er, I'm sorry, ''madame." he finally said. Rapunzel scowled at the mountain lion as he gave her an apologetic grin and pinched out a fire that had started on his whisker. Rapunzel picked up the plates - which all had a metal dome over the top - off a nearby bench, and storming out the kitchen. "Well, I never!" she exclaimed in disgust. Hermey set his glass back on the table as Rapunzel placed their dinners in front of him, Kilala, and Rei. "You know, Rei," he said. "perhaps our young guest might enjoy seeing some of the sights of the kingdom. Something in the way of a tour?" Rei simply sat there, staring at Kilala with a lovestruck expression on his face. Realizing that Hermey had said something to them, they snapped out of their daze. Rei let out a small chuckle and looked at Hermey. "I'm sorry, Hermey." he said, "What was that?" Hermey leaned over to the boy and whispered, "You can't spend all your time moping about, you need to get out. Do something, have a life. Get your mind off-" As Hermey complained, he opened his dish, and Secretary Bird was huddled inside. Kilala noticed Secretary Bird and became worried. Secretary Bird quietly shushed the worried princess, who opened her dish and urged for Secretary Bird to quickly hide in hers. "Easy, Hermey, easy." said Rei, "It's not a bad idea. If she's interested." As the two chatted, Secretary Bird quickly and quietly dashed across the table and hid in Kilala's dish. With Secretary Bird safe, Kilala quickly turned to Rei. "Well, what do you say?" asked Rei. "Would you like to join me on a tour of my kingdom tomorrow?" Kilala nodded, genuinely excited by the prospect and also internally relieved. "Wonderful!" beamed Hermey. "Now let's eat, before this bird wanders off my plate." He looked down, only to be confused that Secretary Bird had just run off his plate. Dinner got carried on into the evening long after the sun had set and afterwards, Kilala, Rei, and Hermey went their separate ways. Kilala was now dressed in her nightclothes as she watched Rei play with Rudolph from the balcony. Kilala was now wearing a hot pink silk nightgown with puffy sleeves and matching accessories (bloomers, a camisole, a hair-bow, and slippers). "Come here boy!" Rei laughed to Rudolph, "Arrr!!!" He knelt on the ground and Rudolph ran up to him calling out, "Here I come, Rei!" Rei growled playfully at the white horse as he pinned him down. He looked up and smiled when he saw that the princess he'd found on the beach that day, watching. Rei waved at Kilala, and she waved back, before slipping further back into her room. Rei's eyes sparkled as his smile widened. He was actually really looking forward to taking her around his kingdom tomorrow, and could only hope that she felt the same way. Kilala smiled as she brushed her hair with her fork before putting her hair-bow back in her hair. Secretary Bird (now wearing a white undershirt and red-and-white striped boxer shorts) complained about his experience in the kitchen as he cleaned off the cooking spices. "This has got to be, without a doubt, the single most humiliating day of my life." he complained. Kilala patted Secretary Bird on the head. "I hope you appreciate what I go through for you, young lady!" scolded the bird, as he waved his lettuce leaf at Kilala while she walked over to her bed. Kilala's bed was a large canopy bed with coral-pink mattresses & matching bedsheets & pillows, large fuchsia curtains (with golden draw-tassels) on all four sides (attached to the fuchsia canopy), fuchsia blankets, white linens, a warm, fuzzy pink blanket, & reddish-brown mahogany bedposts (with a headboard of the same color & material). Anyway, Secretary Bird told Kilala, "Now, we've got to make a plan to get that boy to kiss you." She removed her slippers and opened the curtains and bounced a little before settling back into the large pillow on the left side of the canopy bed and crawled under the covers. "Tomorrow, when he takes you for that ride, you gotta look your best." said Secretary Bird. Kilala lay in her bed. It was very comfy and warm. It was a nice place for her to sleep for the night. "You're gonna bat your eyes - like this," Secretary Bird went on, as he batted his eyes and puckered his lips. "You gotta pucker up your lips - like this." But by now, he realized that Kilala was already fast asleep. Secretary Bird shook his head and smiled. "Hm." He blew out the candle on the bed side table. He hopped onto one of Kilala's pillows, closed the curtains, and before falling asleep himself, he said, "You are hopeless, child. You know that?" He yawned and closed his eyes as Kilala covered him up with her pink blanket. "Completely hopeless!" And with that, Kilala and Secretary Bird both fell asleep for the night. Category:Fan Fiction Category:The Little Mermaid Fanfiction Category:The Little Mermaid Fanmakes Category:The Little Mermaid Spoofs Category:Hero/Heroine Songs Category:Songs